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Being a euthanasia technician was, without a doubt, the hardest part of my career in the animal field. While working for the county shelter, we turned no animal away; regardless of whether or not they were adoptable. Further, and I will let you in on the secret of “no kill” shelters, we had a contract with our local Humane Society which stated that we would euthanize, on our premises, the animals in their care that needed to be put down. This is how they get away with being “no kill”. So our shelter not only got all of the normal plethora of animals that came through our doors on a daily basis, but we also got the cast-offs of the nearby “no kill” shelter (this once included 72 cats in one day; all for euthanasia). For the most part, euthanasia technicians get through the day by joking with each other, and turning off those voices in our gut that tell us we are the biggest traitors in the world. We are, after all, there to protect the animals, right? So we manage to build-up this armor around ourselves that protects us from seeing the reality of what we do. We kill animals. We kill animals that are sick and elderly. We kill animals that are under-socialized and vicious. And we kill animals that are healthy and adoptable that are just simply not wanted by anyone else. This is the reality of the job. Killing the animals that are sick, elderly, and otherwise ill-fit for adoption, while still difficult, is easier to swallow than killing the animals that are adoptable. But the fact of the matter is, when you have 300 kennels, and you are filled to capacity, and you are getting anywhere from 20-50 more animals through the door each day; something has got to give. And that is when healthy, adoptable, animals are destroyed. There are times when our armor breaks. Those inevitable cracks that allow the reality of what we do to seep in. There are things that will always stand out in my memory, that are burned into it, that will never escape me. My whole life has been about helping animals out of crisis and into comfort. I have devoted my life to helping to alleviate their suffering, and being a voice for them. Despite the thousands of animals that I have saved over the years, there are still times when I stop and think about my time as a euthanasia technician, and the magnitude of what I have done comes crashing down on me. I only allow it to do so for a short period of time, because there is always that fear that if I truly let myself think about what I have done, it will destroy me. Unfortunately, I have seen it destroy many of my fellow euthanasia technicians, and as a result, I have lost 1 colleague to suicide, and seen countless others turn to alcohol. This next paragraph is rough, so if you don’t have the stomach to read a little more about adoptable animals being euthanized, skip to the next. I think about a sweet little black lab who stayed up for adoption for 2 months before we finally had to put her down because we didn’t have the room, and her time was up. She looked at me with her big, brown, trusting eyes, gave me her paw when I asked for it, and licked my face while I injected her with euthanasia solution. I think about the man who brought us ten, 8-week old puppies, to be put to sleep because he was going on vacation and didn’t want to deal with them. I think about the way that they so unsuspectingly wiggled around and played with each other as I picked them up, one by one, and took their lives. I think about the countless, feral, mother cats, who watched in frozen horror as we took their kittens away from them, killed them, and then killed Mom. I think about that time that the Humane Society brought us 72, healthy and adoptable cats, to be killed all in one afternoon. I wish I could I say that these were all exceptional cases; that this wasn’t what I dealt with everyday for 3 years. But the truth is; this is what every euthanasia technician faces every day in their job. And we do it because we care. Because we know that it has to be done by someone, and that at least when we do it, that animal will get that last little pat on the head, or scratch behind the ears. And every time a member of the public calls us an “animal killer” because they don’t understand the reality of what a euthanasia technician faces, it stings. There is a well-known story about a euthanasia technician, who had a dream one night that she died, and went to heaven, and all of the animals that she had ever euthanized were behind the pearly gates, and they wouldn’t let her in. I would like to think that the animals would better understand why we do it than the general public seems to understand. I would like to think that they would appreciate the men and women that have stepped into that role so that they could ensure that this necessary evil was being done in the best way possible. Then again, maybe I am being idealistic, and it is just my way of keeping that armor whole, and free of cracks. I guess I will never know.
If I didn't know better I would swear you were hired
Wow…this story is heartbreaking on many levels.
We animal lovers like to pretend these things don’t go on. It’s easier this way. But we need to know.
Thank you for sharing.
While a somber and sad process, think of the world if this isn’t done, and dogs and cats are overpopulated, running in the streets, getting hit by cars, think of visiting Mexico or other countries and seeing countless animals starving or lying on the side of the road dead or dying. I’ve seen it first hand and it’s terrible when left to nature’s course.
It sucks, but it’s needed, and those animals are just the ones that for whateve reason didn’t end up in a family’s home, there are too many to do with otherwise.
Sleep well, you did the best thing possible, they would be killed in far worse ways otherwise.
Wow. Thank you for posting this… I don’t have much else to say, but I appreciate your story.
Dear Euthanasia Technician, You know? I used to say I detest all those people who euthanise healthy adoptable animals - your story changed my mind.
It won’t work. You quit from the job and another person is ready to replace you. The horror of horrors!
I mean….would you kill a healthy human just because he took up space and his “time” was up? Are you really happy in your job?
Bring them back to the wild - they may get killed in the wild but in the process many of them will re-learn hunting and survival skills. Dogs and cats were wild animals before humans domesticated them. Give them a chance to live, even if no one adopts them.
May be one day no one will need to euthanise these animals! May be I am just “fat-hoping”!
(No, I don’t hate you.) Thank you to the person who allowed this info and discussion.
Jessica, I’m so sorry. I cried reading this but i’m glad you shared it. People need to know.
Hugs,
Di
Jessica, thank you for posting this article. I know this has been sad choice that shelters, their staff and volunteers have had to face for many many years. I know this is especially the case in our current climate with pet owners unable to care for their animals and shelters receiving less in donations because of the current economic climate.
I hope that many many people will read this, and make one or more of the following choices (for starters):
1) Adopt a pet instead of buying one from a store, breeder, or puppy mill - taking loving animals out of the euthanasia lineup.
2) Spay or neuter their pets so they won’t have to face giving up litters they cannot afford to care for.
3) Make a donation to their local shelters so shelters can care for more animals over longer periods of time.
4) Take a long hard look before deciding to take on the responsibility of pet “ownership”
My first dog I got as a lovely purebred lab puppy. My second was rescued from an abusive home and the third from a shelter. All have been pure blessings in my - and my family’s - lives, regardless of where they came from.
After long lives, age and illness has taken our first two dogs from us. I know what a difference the care of a technician can make in the very last moments of an animal’s life. What you did for these animals was to care for them at the very last moment and the moment it came to matter most - even if that moment in many cases should never have come to pass.
I suspect that most would agree that we don’t want a world where what you did happens. But we (collectively as a society) put you in that position. We cannot hate you or judge you without hating or judging the failings of everyone that put these animals on a course towards euthanasia.
We have to change the way that animals are cared for and owned and protected. If we do, then we can make the position of shelter euthanasia technician a much under utilized one, being called only for the sick or unsocializable … wouldn’t that be a wonderful world.
Until then you deserve our thanks for taking on a systemic societal failure. You also deserve our gratitude for treating each and every animal with care and dignity in their last moments.
Thank you.
To Kelly, Cats and dogs are not wild animals. Their ancestors may have lived in a wild a long long time ago, but now they’re domesticated animals. And where is this wild? Animals out on the street are a menace and susceptible to disease- they can get rabies and leukemia and die horribly. The streets is no better.
I always thought those no kill places were irresponsible… Now I see they’re just lying. Thanks for the article.
Hey jess!
I just read your article for the first time and i myself cried.
I couldnt imagine being in the position you were in, I cant imagine the tourment you put yourself through when you sit down and think about it all. You did your job and like others have said, if it wasnt you that did it someone else would of. You should find comfort in knowing that you werent some heartless person taking lives. you cared, you loved them, you have a huge heart and you did what had to be done. What if these animals were strays? what if no one ever ended up turning them in? wouldnt you of rather put them to sleep peacefully then have them die a tragic death of being run over or someone killing them themselves out of pure hatred?
You are a fabulous person, you do rescues, you foster, you nurse sick animals back to help and place them in loving, forever homes….dont ever think that because you were a “euthanasia tech” that thats something you need to feel or should feel labled with for the rest of your life. you put them to sleep because thats what was best for them not because you sought enjoyment out of it. Thankyou, for posting that story..thankyou for opening yourself up to everyone and putting yourself out there for any kind of feedback. it takes a strong person to do that, one that really does care.
>>>>To Kelly, Cats and dogs are not wild animals. Their ancestors may have lived in a wild a long long time ago, but now they’re domesticated animals. And where is this wild? Animals out on the street are a menace and susceptible to disease- they can get rabies and leukemia and die horribly. The streets is no better.
I always thought those no kill places were irresponsible… Now I see they’re just lying. Thanks for the article.
Hello Jess, just as how humans have taught animals to be “domesticated”, it is humans’ responsibility to unteach them. If humans do not deforest and destroy too much of the Amazon and other Javanese forests, there is still hope for them to return to the wild. Their natural homes are not our homes, not our streets. I am not saying it’s wrong to keep them as pets but I am saying they WILL survive in the wild, just as God intended for them to be. Look at their claws - they are born to hunt for their own food.
And of course there are other things done to these cats and other animals we do not see so clearly. Some domesticated animals get anti-depressants. Remember the chimp who attacked its master? Humans are largely responsible for the mental, emotional and physical health when they domesticate animals. Time humans took responsibility and may be say I should do something different.
Best regards
kelly
The fact that someone has to do it is not responsability of the euthanasia technicians. As it is still an utopia to dream with its end I take confort in knowing that it is done by someone with the human side this post ilustrated.
And don´t worry, animals, as humans alike, can and will forgive when the time comes.
PS - Translated your post and published it linking to here
Thank you for your story. I have been a Euthanasia Techincian for 8 months now. I’t s so hard to face myself everyday. I look into bright and trusting eyes that have no idea what is about to happen. I have a war waging inside myself, I am having a real hard time accepting what I do. Our shelter houses appox 300 animals. I am the only person euthanizing at the moment (there are 3 others that could be) and it is taking it’s toll on me. Any tips?
Dawn, I urge you to please email me so I can talk to you about this further - animaladvocating@gmail.com. I would like to offer you some resources before things become emotionally and mentally urgent for you.
Dear Jessica, I am writing this post from Porto, in Portugal. I am an animal lover and I work with and help many animal care organizations. Your story is heart breaking and I understand well the difficulties you have in dealing with the facts and the memories. 6 years ago I had to make the decision of “putting to sleep” my beloved 19 year old dog, Toby, because he had a seizure and was suffering a lot. It took me one month to get the courage to finally do it. I was there with him and he died in my arms. I buried Toby in a beautiful garden where I still go today to visit and leave a flower. However, no matter why I did it, or how I did it, every single step I took with Toby that day is on mind as clearly as on that day. I still have difficulty living with the fact that it was I who decided when and how he should die. I still am not convinced that I had that right, although the alternative was leaving him immersed in terrible pain…
So, I understand. And my heart goes out to you. And I believe that one day, when you pass on the another dimension they will all be there to greet you and thank you for the love that passed from your heart to theirs in that last moment…God bless!
Hi, i read it and im really sad about it. I love animal and i understand that it have to be done.
At least, PLEASE try to do it without animal pain and suffer.
Keep giving a little confort while you aply euthanasia on them.
Best regards,
Dear Jessica,
I understand your sadness and sorrow. It´s not a nice thing to do. I´m a vet, so I do it very often, although not every day. In the beginning it was very, very hard, when I was alone I cried sometimes. It´s very difficult to treat an animal for days, weeks, months, years and then have to euthanize them.
I always denie to kill an healthy animal, I trie to convince the owner not to do it and to put it to adoption if he doesn´t want it. But I have that choice, you didn´t. The problem is that there are much more animals than owners, because a lot of people don´t neuter their animals. The only way to stop euthanasia of healthy animals in shelters is to change peoples minds, by teaching the children to respect, to treat and neuter the animals. Many people still think that neutering is cruel. Cruel is to have to euthanise healthy animals because of the overpopulation.
As the time went by I find it easier to euthanize the sick ones and the very old without a quality life, that do not eat or stand or are in pain. I think they are lucky for having that chance, because it´s very difficult to see an animal slowly dying, like I´ve seen so many times. Sometimes I say the owners it´s the only hing they can do, but unfortunately some are completely against it. It´s not a terrible thing to do, when it´s the only thing to do. When I explain to the owners that it´s like an anesthesia, that in 30 seconds they fall asleep, the heart stops and they never wake most people agree to do it.
I think humans shoud have that chance in cases where there´s no solution and they´re in excruciating pain. I Knew a person that had cancer and preyed to God to die… Her husband was against euthanasia even in animals, but now he thinks humans should also have that right.
Don´t blame yourself, you did the wrong thing because it was the right and only thing to do. At least they didn´t suffer. There are worst deaths, like living in the streets, being run over by a car that doesn´t stop, without being able to walk and starve to death in excrutiating pain. That is a crime…
Dear Jessica!
What a courageous and brave person you are! For sharing your suffering and discomfort about something you have nothing to be ashamed of. People who criticize you and say it’s best to leave animals to dye of hunger or disease know nothing about animal suffering. They have no perspective of the real suffering of dogs and cats who are left with no alternative. Dogs and cats cannot go back to living in the wild (like Kelly suggested). The fact is that in most places, there is no “wild” for dogs and cats to live in. That’s not realistic!
Loving animals and having the courage to do what you did implies that you have to be a special human being. The truth is that it is so much easier to ignore the problem or just let animals be in their misery! What requires tons of courage and a great heart is to have the strength to love them until the last moment and still be willing to perform what many, unjustly, consider cruelty! I’m sure you are a great person, Jessica. Please, be happy and enjoy life. You deserve it!
Maria João Sousa - Lagos, Portugal
Jessica… amazing story. Tks to share.. and in the name of animals be happy. They understand. I belive.
You didn’t kill the animals, the owners of puppy mills and irresponsible breeders did.
I think that to work in that position is to display unspeakable compassion and love for animals, because it is a huge sacrifice. It’s easy to volunteer at a shelter and enjoy the happy aspects of caring for living animals. There’s glory in running a “no kill” shelter or rescue as the media and general public pat you on the back.
Euthanasia technicians are unsung heroes for animals. You don’t get any credit. You do the dirty work. Nobody thanks you at the end of the day, and lets face it, many ignorant people hate you because it’s somehow your fault, right?
People who refuse to spay or neuter their animals should spend a day shadowing a euthanasia tech.
Thank you. I know in my heart that what you’ve done was out of compassion and true, genuine concern for animal welfare not tainted by other motives. I hope you can come to the same conclusion and reach peace in your soul.
I too euthanized animals at a shelter for 5 1/2 years it took a toll on me and my mental stability. It gets to you after awhile. The public does not understand that it is a necessary part of animal shelter business. They want to say that it is not, but what are the other solutions? The only way to end pet overpopulation is strict compliance with spay and neutering. End it at the source.
Hi everyone! I wanted to introduce you to my full time website on this subject: http://www.confessionsfromtheanimalshelter.com
It is not only an insiders voice of what life is really like at the shelter, but a resource for burnt-out shelter/rescue workers.
Thank you!
Jessica